The Great Lie: The Illusion of Control in Leadership and Why We Sacrifice Today

By Tony Grayson, Tech Executive (ex-SVP Oracle, AWS, Meta) & Former Nuclear Submarine Commander

We often talk about the 'what' and the 'how' of strategy and execution. But we rarely pause to reflect on the 'why.' In the quiet moments between the chaos, this is what matters most. It’s not just about building a legacy in the industry; it’s about honoring the people who support you while you build it.

We chase margins and hold grudges because we believe we have time. Recent tragedies serve as a brutal wake-up call to break the illusion of control in leadership.

We are all guilty of it. We fall into a collective trance.

We get consumed by the job. We convince ourselves that the next promotion, the slightly bigger bonus, or hitting that arbitrary Q4 metric is the most important thing in the world right now. We chase margins as if our lives depend on them.

Often, it’s not even about the money. It’s about the win. We walk over others, sideline our ethics, and ignore the people who actually matter just to feed our professional ego.

We sacrifice irreplaceable Tuesday nights with our families because we fundamentally believe a lie: that there is always a "tomorrow" to make it right.

We think we have time. We are wrong.

Breaking The Illusion of Control in Leadership

If the recent heartbreaking headlines (from the tragedy involving Brown University to the horrific events unfolding in Australia) teach us anything....it is that we have absolutely no idea how much sand is left in our hourglass.

We suffer from the illusion of control in leadership, believing we can dictate the timeline of our lives just like we manage a project Gantt chart. Psychologists define the illusion of control as the tendency to overestimate our ability to influence events. We structure our lives around five-year plans when we aren't even guaranteed five more minutes.

When faced with the stark reality of how fragile life is, the things we stress about daily suddenly look ridiculous.

The Toxicity of Petty Battles

Consider the energy we waste on workplace friction.

How much mental real estate are you giving to a coworker that annoys you? How many hours have you spent venting behind someone's back, undermining them, or engaging in a silent cold war over a project dispute?

When you zoom out, these battles are meaningless. They are usually just two egos colliding in a hallway.

If you have a feud with someone, fix it. Today. Drop the ego. Ask yourself honestly: Is any situation ever really ONLY one person's fault? Probably not.

Be the bigger person. Extend the olive branch. Not for them, but for yourself. Clear the air so you aren't carrying that toxicity home with you.

The Wake-Up Call

We need to stop waiting for a tragedy to shock us into perspective. We need to live better, right now, while things are okay.

Those business margins you are trying to increase at the cost of missing your child's game or dinner with your spouse? Stop it. The work will always be there. The people won't.

This isn't a call to stop working hard. It's a call to stop confusing your job with your life. For more on my philosophy of leading with purpose, see The Control Room.

Someday, the screen will go dark for the last time. The job title on your LinkedIn profile will disappear. The quarterly results you agonized over will be forgotten dust.

When that happens, the only thing that will remain is the impact you had on the human beings around you.

Stop lying to yourself that you have forever to get your priorities straight. Stop falling for

the illusion of control in leadership. Stop waiting for the "right time."

Ultimately, how do you want to be remembered?

Frequently Asked Questions: The Illusion of Control in Leadership

What is the illusion of control in leadership?

The illusion of control in leadership is a cognitive bias where leaders overestimate their ability to influence outcomes that are actually governed by chance or external factors. First described by Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer in 1975, research shows that simply gaining power leads people to "grossly overestimate" their abilities. According to studies published in Psychological Science, this can cause micromanagement, high stress, risky decision-making, and sacrificing personal well-being for work despite many external factors being beyond a leader's control.

How can leaders balance work demands with family time?

Leaders can balance work and family by recognizing that time is finite, not infinite. According to 2025 research from Page Executive, 83% of employees now prioritize work-life balance over salary, and 29% of executives cite it as their top priority—surpassing career advancement. Practical steps include setting rigid boundaries for work hours, prioritizing family commitments as non-negotiable appointments, delegating effectively, and letting go of the ego-driven need to win every workplace battle at the cost of personal relationships.

Why is executive burnout increasing in 2025?

Executive burnout is reaching crisis levels, with 60% of leaders reporting they feel "used up" at the end of the workday. Key factors include: 56% of executives failing to get adequate sleep, 47% reporting burnout negatively impacts personal relationships, and 65% rarely taking all their vacation days. According to leadership research, senior leaders become trapped in cycles of unhealthy sacrifice, feeling unduly responsible for business success while being reluctant to admit they're struggling due to fear of appearing incapable.

How does recognizing mortality improve leadership?

Recognizing mortality (mortality salience) forces leaders to focus on high-impact legacy work rather than petty grievances or short-term metrics. Research published in the Journal of Management Studies shows that death reflection can increase servant leadership behaviors—putting subordinates' interests first, helping them achieve goals, and promoting greater social good. As Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement address, "Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose." This shifts focus from "building a résumé" to "building a legacy."

Why is it important to resolve workplace feuds quickly?

Resolving workplace feuds is critical because holding grudges drains mental energy and creates a toxic culture. Ego rather than substantive issues drives most feuds. Research shows that leaders who experience chronic workplace conflict face higher rates of burnout, impaired decision-making, and reduced cognitive performance. Clearing the air allows leaders to focus on what matters and prevents professional disagreements from consuming the limited mental bandwidth needed for strategic thinking and personal peace.

What causes the illusion of control in leaders?

The illusion of control is strengthened by gaining power, stress, competitive situations, and personal involvement in outcomes. Research from Psychological Science shows that "an illusory sense of control is a basic response to the psychological experience of power." According to psychological studies, the illusion is also stronger when people have an emotional need to control outcomes, can make their own choices, and become familiar with tasks through practice. This leads to overconfidence and risky decision-making that can cause organizational failures.

How do successful leaders build a lasting legacy?

Building a lasting leadership legacy requires focusing on impact beyond titles and achievements. According to executive coaching research from SSRN, people are remembered for what they do for others, not themselves. Key approaches include: mentoring and developing future leaders, creating meaning for teams, fostering relationships with family (the most important legacy), and building systems that outlast your tenure. As ITD World notes, leaders who view their role as serving others leave the most lasting legacies.

What are the signs of leadership burnout?

Signs of leadership burnout include: struggling to muster enthusiasm for previously enjoyed work, missing meetings you used to prioritize, slow email responses, difficulty making simple decisions, and exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix. According to executive coaches, key warning signs include fantasizing about leaving your job and losing interest in activities outside work. Physical signs include skipping meals, neglecting exercise, and chronic sleep deprivation. A critical warning sign is when "work sprints" become the permanent norm rather than temporary pushes.

How does power affect decision-making in leadership?

Power literally "goes to one's head," causing leaders to overestimate their personal control over outcomes. Studies show that when randomly assigned to manager roles, people immediately develop inflated self-esteem, unrealistic optimism, and the belief that they can influence random events. In one experiment, 100% of high-power participants chose to roll the dice themselves (believing they could influence the outcome) versus less than 70% of others. As INSEAD research notes, this illusion can lead to poor choices, missed opportunities, and ultimately, loss of power.

Why do executives hide their exhaustion and burnout?

Executives hide exhaustion because ambition has become linked with self-abandonment. Corporate culture rewards leaders who "grind, sacrifice, and push through" while rarely rewarding those who pause or protect their energy. According to leadership research, a Deloitte survey found 70% of executives considered quitting for mental health reasons, yet 80% would rather find a new job than discuss mental health internally. Leaders fear being judged, replaced, or seen as incapable, so they "show up, smile, and perform" even when running on empty.

What is the connection between humility and effective leadership?

Humility acts as an antidote to the illusion of control bias. According to leadership research, it acknowledges that other people have a significant, often unseen, impact on a leader's success. Great leaders realize they cannot force the universe to comply, but must find paths through variability. As complexity science suggests, leaders must give up control—or rather, the illusion of control—and instead create environments where creativity and contribution can emerge from their teams.

How can leaders prevent sacrificing family for career success?

Leaders can prevent this sacrifice by reframing priorities: according to 2025 research, more than half of executives would decline a promotion if it compromised their well-being. Practical strategies include: treating family time as non-negotiable appointments, recognizing that time is a finite resource, delegating effectively to avoid believing only you can handle critical tasks, and understanding that no career achievement is worth permanently damaging relationships. Research shows leaders who invest in family relationships report higher life satisfaction and better professional performance.

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Tony Grayson is a recognized Top 10 Data Center Influencer, a successful entrepreneur, and the President & General Manager of Northstar Enterprise + Defense.

A former U.S. Navy Submarine Commander and recipient of the prestigious VADM Stockdale Award, Tony is a leading authority on the convergence of nuclear energy, AI infrastructure, and national defense. His career is defined by building at scale: he led global infrastructure strategy as a Senior Vice President for AWS, Meta, and Oracle before founding and selling a top-10 modular data center company.

Today, he leads strategy and execution for critical defense programs and AI infrastructure, building AI factories and cloud regions that survive contact with reality.